i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
my liver is dry heaving
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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