k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
