seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
