sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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