I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
