my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
