how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
