i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
