M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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