If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
