i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
