he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I will pee on everything he values.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
