If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
