No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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