I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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