I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
