Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
