I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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