You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
