new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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