roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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