The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
