I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
