I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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