You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
