I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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