Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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