i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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