so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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