true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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