fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So apparently I’m into choking now
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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