got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
