Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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