I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
