4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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