my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
