So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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