I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
