If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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