I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
