he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
