I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
