Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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