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Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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