I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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