i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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