so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Randomize
