My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
