never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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