Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
