then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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